


Back Through the Gate

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-30
Updated: 2003-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-06 13:05:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10335344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: WARNINGS:  This story is based on some Season 7 spoilers I read at Gateworld which indicate that Daniel is forced to re-take his human form and that he has no memory of his time as an ascended being. I’ve since read additional spoilers that totally contradict what I’ve written - but what the heck, I’m posting it anyway.SEASON/SPOILERS:  Early Season 7 (acknowledges S6, but is definitely a "classic-team" story). See warnings for spoiler info.SUMMARY:  Daniel comes home





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Back Through the Gate

Jack O'Neill glanced at his watch, then ground the heels of his hands into his eyes with a weary sigh. The potential-mission briefs spread across the conference room table were all beginning to read alike; he couldn't keep them straight anymore. Jack flipped open the next file in the stack and groaned involuntarily when its first paragraph sounded suspiciously like the last two reports he had previewed. Was somebody doing a cut-and-paste job to produce these en masse?

"This shouldn't get old, Jack," a voice chided using his own words against him. General Hammond exited his office with a somewhat benevolent smile on his face.

"Saving the world, sir. It's saving the world that's not supposed to get old. Reading preliminary survey reports - that gets old pretty quickly."

"I'm surprised Colonel. I would have thought that at least the report on P7X-319 would interest you."

P7what? Had he read that one?

"Sorry, General, not ringing any bells."

The familiar thunk and grind of activating Stargate chevrons pre-empted any response Hammond might have made. Jack rose to his feet immediately, following Hammond toward the stairs as klaxons began to blare. He knew the schedule as well as the general; no one was expected.

"Unscheduled off-world activation!"

Jack and Hammond reached the control room before Sergeant Davis finished the PA announcement. The iris was closing, steel grating on steel as the titanium wedges spiraled in on each other. The seventh chevron locked and a wormhole formed behind the closed iris.

"No signal," Davis reported

They waited for a signal, for a voice transmission, for a thump against the iris. Instead the iris opened.

"Sergeant – "

"We didn't do that, sir," Davis said. "Attempting to regain control." His fingers flew over the keyboard in front of him.

"Never mind," Jack said, indicating the sight in the gate room.

A swirl of white light floated through the event horizon, tendrils of energy drifting along behind. And just like always when the glow-y ones appeared Jack swore he heard music - a haunting phrase from a melody he could never quite get hold of. Did everybody hear that or was it just him?

Hammond turned to Jack. "Dr. Jackson?"

For a moment Jack thought so. It seemed the likeliest explanation. But no, this wasn't Daniel. It didn't _feel_ like Daniel. Jack didn't even want to _try_ explaining that, so he just shook his head and then followed Hammond down another flight of stairs to the gateroom.

By the time they reached the bottom of the ramp, the shimmering light had coalesced partially, a woman's face visible among the glowing tendrils - Oma Desala as Jack remembered her on Kheb.

"The cage is sometimes freedom."

_Why_ did this woman always talk in riddles? Carter never mentioned Orlin talking in riddles. Daniel hadn't talked in riddles in Baal's fortress.

"The cat is out of the bag," he said in response.

Hammond silenced him with an impatient look. Jack shrugged innocently.

"What was once yours, returns."

What?

"He is as he was."

"Who is?" Hammond asked.

My thought exactly. Who was as he was? Hold it. Did she mean who he thought she did? Was she talking about Daniel? Returning? A grin formed on Jack's face and he looked eagerly toward the still active event horizon. So where was he? Wait. Returning as he was? No, no, no, don't mean that literally. The grin faltered as a nauseating knot began to form in his stomach and he looked back at Oma Desala for some kind of clue. Returning Daniel here the way he was just before he ascended, suffering the ravages of radiation poisoning . . . she didn't mean that did she? Why the _hell_ couldn't she speak English?

He caught the ripple of the event horizon from the corner of his eye and when he turned, Daniel Jackson was standing at the top of the ramp. Flesh and blood. Healthy flesh and blood. Six feet two inches of oddly dressed, healthy flesh and blood. Jack heaved a sigh of relief.

The wormhole shut down. Daniel remained at the top of the ramp. His stunned expression curbed Jack's impulse to bound up the ramp in greeting. Jack was certain that if he were to shoot a spit wad at Daniel right now the man would topple. And he looked scared. Why did he look scared? As Jack watched, Daniel looked toward Oma Desala. She said nothing. Daniel turned from her, scanning the room uncertainly. His gaze rested briefly on Hammond, but he quickly looked away. He met Jack's eyes, seemed to brighten, then withdrew again, eyes darting around the gateroom, clearly unsure what was expected of him.

"Daniel."

Like a catalyst, Jack's voice brought a response. Daniel immediately turned his head toward Jack and finally moved from the top of the ramp. Jack met him at the bottom and pulled him into a hug. Yep, definitely flesh and blood. Definitely not letting go anytime soon.

"You're back."

"Yeah, I guess so." Daniel's response was nearly inaudible. He didn't return Jack's embrace, and the hollow, bewildered tone of his voice was as confusing to Jack as one of Oma Desala's pronouncements. He guessed so? What was that about?

As Jack stepped back to scrutinize Daniel at arm's length, the gate began to dial again.

"Gate activation, sir," Davis announced from the control room. "Uh, we're dialing out, sir."

Hammond turned to Oma Desala, gesturing to the gate as he spoke.

"Are you doing this?"

"Doors are always either open or closed."

Jack supposed Hammond took that as a yes since he didn't order Davis to attempt to counteract the gate activity.

"In the end, we do not always keep that for which we sought so desperately."

"English, _please_ ," Jack muttered.

"She's trying to tell you that I don't remember anything," Daniel said quietly. "At least, I think she is - since I don't."

"What do you mean you don't remember? Hey!" Jack shouted at Oma Desala. "What do you mean he doesn't remember?"

The seventh chevron locked. The vortex whooshed into the gateroom then settled into an event horizon. Oma Desala floated through it, leaving Jack still shouting demands for an explanation. The wormhole shut down.

****

Okay, so he knew he shouldn't use the word flaky in reference to Daniel. Besides dredging up unpleasant memories, it really wasn't accurate. Except, dammit, right now it was the best descriptor Jack could come up with for Daniel's behavior. He was acting flaky. His eyes sort of stared ahead vacantly - when they weren't darting around like he was trying to figure out where he was. There were long pauses between the questions Jack asked and Daniel's one or two word answers - l-o-o-ng pauses. And he was amazingly easy to steer in the direction of the infirmary despite being unsteady on his feet. Flaky.

Hammond must have called ahead because Fraiser met them at the infirmary entrance. She gave Daniel a warm welcome home but wasted no time guiding him to an exam bed.

"Colonel, General Hammond said that Major Carter and Teal'c were on their way. Would you wait here for them, please."

Sure thing, doc. Wait for Carter and Teal'c. Your polite way of telling me I am _not_ following you and Daniel behind those curtains you're drawing around the exam table.

Jack posted himself in the doorway. He could watch for Carter and Teal'c while still keeping an eye on the curtained off area where Fraiser was examining Daniel. He didn't have long to wait for his teammates. Teal'c came striding down the hall at a very determined pace. Carter, dashing around the corner from another direction, caught up with Teal'c just as they both reached Jack.

"The airman said Daniel was here."

Carter's statement was more of a question and her eyes brimmed with hope.

"What's behind Curtain number two?" he responded, nodding in Fraiser and Daniel's direction. "We gotta wait here."

Teal'c raised a skeptical eyebrow at Jack and then turned a very focused stare on the curtains. Carter nodded, but took several steps in that direction anyway.

"Carter? Whatcha doin?"

"I just want to see him for myself, sir."

"Carter, Fraiser said –"

"I too wish to reassure myself that Daniel Jackson is indeed here."

Apparently all Carter needed to defy her CO's orders was Teal'c's seal of approval. She pulled back the curtain an inch or two and peeked through the opening. Teal'c looked in over her head. Jack shook his head and waited.

"Something I can do for the two of you?" he heard Fraiser say.

"Just checking," Carter answered a little sheepishly. "Hi, Daniel."

Jack didn't hear Daniel's response.

"All right, you've had your look," Fraiser said. "Colonel, I know you're out there. Would you please keep your team in check so I can finish my examination."

Okay, time to play team leader.

"Come on, kids. You heard the doc. This isn't a peep show."

Reluctantly, Carter let the curtain fall, and she and Teal'c stepped away from the exam area.

"He looks-"

"DanielJackson appears -"

"Confused."

"Disoriented."

"Yeah, well, he said he couldn't remember anything so I guess he might be a little confused right now."

"He can't remember anything?"

"That's what he said."

"O'Neill, the airman who summoned me did not provide any details."

"Yeah, same here," Carter chimed in. "What happened, sir?"

While they waited for Fraiser to finish her examination Jack related what had taken place in the gateroom earlier.

"That's it?" Carter asked.

"That's it, Carter. Oma floated through the gate, the gate shut down, Hammond hustled us off to the infirmary, and here we are."

Neither of them looked satisfied. That was just too bad. He'd told them all there was to tell. He wasn't satisfied either. There were a _lot_ of questions shooting around in his head.

Fraiser finally joined them leaving Daniel sequestered behind the curtains.

"Well?"

"The lab results won't be back for a day or two, but I can't find anything to suggest he isn't Daniel Jackson - human right down to his surgery scars and myopic vision, and perfectly healthy.

"So why's he acting so - off?"

"To tell you the truth, Colonel, I'm not sure. I've never had a patient who just descended from a higher plane and I'm not going to pretend to know anything about it. If I had to guess I would say that he's just having trouble adjusting to his situation. At the moment, the best I can do is take my cues from him. He asked to have some time alone and –"

"That's not gonna happen." Leaving Daniel alone when he'd just come home to them was not an option.

"–I think that's a good idea." Fraiser put out a hand to stop Jack's forward motion. "Colonel, I know you don't like the idea, but half an hour or forty-five minutes may be just what he needs to get his bearings. I get the feeling his descension is a _very_ recent occurrence. I suggest that all of come with me to brief General Hammond. By the time we finish, you'll be able to see Daniel."

"I will remain."

Atta-boy, Teal'c. Stick to your guns. Or your staff weapon. Or whatever.

"No, Teal'c that's not necessary. The nurses will respond to Daniel's call button if he needs anything and Dr. Warner is in his office. I know you're all anxious to circle the wagons around Daniel right now, but he's asked for a little space and I think you ought to give it to him."

"Doc, he's had a year of space."

"Well, Colonel, he needs a little more."

****

_  
_

Transgressions debated.

Agreement reached.

Judgment passed.

They gathered. Their enormous sphere of energy encompassed his own much smaller form. The air snapped blue-white pulses of electricity. Hemmed in all around, there was little he could do but submit. They were sending him back. He had broken the rules or failed to live up to the code or something. He was still trying to protest when tendrils of lightning snaked out and penetrated his own core of energy. The surge sparked flares of white-hot energy across his being. If he had possessed a voice he would have screamed. What were they doing to him? Current charged through him.

Pain.

Now their sphere contracted. What had been a translucent globe of charged energy, tightened, coalescing into a fierce whirlwind. With furious intensity it spun around him. The filaments still connecting them to his energy shortened as the storm pressed in on him. His energy diffused along those tethers, then constricted back to its core more concentrated each time. Still the gale whipped round.

Friction.

Heat.

Weight.

Weight?

Stop, slow down! Let me explain! The tempest continued unabated, pushing him down, forcing him to the bottom of the funneled storm. He was falling. The ground rose up to meet him. He saw trees. Heard birds. Smelled dirt. Tasted salt air.

And he felt. He felt grass beneath fingers - his fingers.

Then he breathed.

He breathed. Deep inhalations - lungs drawing oxygen into a body barely held off the ground by the shaky hands and knees supporting it.

The furious whirlwind had stopped. Above him, he saw only the white glowing forms of the Ascended Ones hovering benignly. The air behind him filled with a rumble so achingly familiar an involuntary cry of longing escaped him. He twisted around to look, landing awkwardly on his backside, and watched as the tendrils of one of the Ascended disappeared into the event horizon of a Stargate. He sat immobile, uncomprehending. Finally one of those who remained, spoke.

"Follow."

He sensed their energy pressing in behind him. Remembered pain propelled him to his knees. He scrambled away from them toward the dias steps, frantic to avoid their touch. He crawled up the stairs, pulling unsteadily to his feet as he reached the top. Then Daniel lurched into the event horizon.

****

A distant crash startled Daniel out of the memory. His head came up and a glance at his surroundings revealed he was exactly where Janet had left him - sitting on an exam bed, arms wrapped around his drawn up knees. The curtains Janet had drawn for his privacy were still closed but he could hear the familiar sounds of the infirmary on the other side. He closed his eyes again and listened to the light clink of metal instruments on a tray, the clattering wheels of a meal cart, someone's heart monitor beeping steadily.

He inhaled deeply, then released the breath slowly. He was home. Unexpectedly. Abruptly. Somewhat unwillingly. But Dorothy had been right after all - there was no place quite like home.

Even when home was a chilly sixty-five degrees. The Ascended had outfitted him with a simple tunic and leggings when they compelled his descension, but the lightweight clothing didn't offer much protection against the SGC's cool temperatures. He looked around for the ever present call button. A nurse appeared within seconds of his pushing it. He didn't recognize her and briefly wondered how many other people on base he wouldn't recognize.

"Uh, hi."

She smiled. "What can I do for you Dr. Jackson?"

"Do you think I could get some other clothes? I'm a little cold."

"Certainly. Are you feeling all right otherwise?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

"Good. I'll just notify Dr. Fraiser. And I'll be right back with some warmer clothes."

The curtain dropped back into place as she left Daniel alone again. He stretched out his legs and circled his shoulders trying to alleviate the tension he felt in his muscles. It was odd to _feel_ things again. Janet would probably want to run more tests. It might be hours before he got to leave the infirmary and talk to his team about what happened. He stopped that train of thought abruptly. He shouldn't think of them as his team. It had been a year; things would have moved on. There would be someone else on SG-1 now. He thought they were probably still his friends even after the way he had chosen to leave them. They had seemed pleased to see him. But team? No, not anymore. He couldn't even be assured of any position at the SGC now.

True to her word, the nurse returned quickly with a change of clothes.

"Doctor Fraiser is on her way down. She'd like you to drink some water."

Daniel nodded and the nurse disappeared again. Daniel quickly exchanged the tunic he was wearing for the long-sleeved black sweatshirt, immediately grateful for the warmth it provided. He had just finished dressing and was reaching for the pitcher of water and a glass when he heard Janet's voice outside the enclosure. He pulled back the curtain to admit her. Her warm smile confirmed that at least one person was glad to have him back.

"How are you feeling Daniel?"

"I'm good. A little cold."

She nodded and proceeded to listen to his heart, check his blood pressure and take his temperature.

"Do you feel well? Any headache? Nausea? Anything unusual?"

"You mean besides actually having a body again?" Janet smiled at the comment and he answered her question more seriously. "No headache. I'm tired."

"I think we can consider that within the limits of reasonable side effects. How do you feel about going up to the conference room and talking to General Hammond?"

"Is my te – is SG-1 there?"

"Yes, they're all there. And very eager to see you."

****

Of course, most of SG-1 wanted to troop back down to the infirmary with Fraiser when the call came, but Hammond nixed that idea. Dr. Fraiser, Hammond informed them, needed to care for her patient without a trio of leeches hanging on.

Leeches? Had Hammond just called them leeches? Jack thought that was a little harsh.

Moreover, Hammond went on, if Dr. Jackson was up to it, Dr. Fraiser would bring him up to the conference room. Otherwise, his friends would wait until she notified them that Daniel was ready for visitors.

Fortunately, Fraiser wasn't gone long. When she came back she had Daniel in tow. Carter pushed out of her seat immediately. Daniel barely had time to walk through the door before she enveloped him in a fierce hug. Daniel returned the greeting just as enthusiastically. Jack sat back watching the reunion. He caught Fraiser's eye and could tell from the smile she flashed that she was getting as much enjoyment from simply watching as he was. Teal'c and Hammond each greeted Daniel with characteristic dignified reserve but no less joy than Carter had shown. Hammond was indicating an empty seat for the prodigal, but Daniel didn't move to take it.

"Jack?" he asked uncertainly.

Oops, guess he'd missed his cue. Rising from the table and closing the space between them, Jack pulled Daniel into a hug for the second time that day. Daniel's arms curled around his back and embraced him tightly this time.

"I was kind of confused before," Daniel said. "Sorry."

"No problem."

Right now Jack could forgive Daniel anything. As long as he stayed solid like this. As long as Jack could reach out a hand and _touch_ him like he was doing now. He gave Daniel one more squeeze for good measure and then stepped back.

Hammond once again indicated that Daniel should be seated. Janet and Teal'c moved down to vacate the seat on Hammond's left, and Jack returned to his place across the table. Carter was sitting next to him sporting a wide grin she was apparently unable to remove from her face. Jack knew how she felt. Which left -

"Dr. Jackson, you remember Jonas Quinn?" Hammond asked.

For the first time, Daniel noticed the man sitting on the other side of Carter. The merest hint of a frown crossed his features, then puzzlement before he carefully schooled his expression.

"Mr. Quinn is SG-1's fourth."

Jack winced at Hammond's choice of words. Not that they weren't true. And Hammond had to say something to explain Jonas's presence. But the information obviously threw Daniel for a loop. He blinked, glanced briefly at Jonas, turned betrayed eyes on Jack for a moment, and then looked down at his hands.

"Oh."

Damn, that weird hint of fear Jack remembered from the gateroom had reappeared in Daniel's eyes. Why?

"Welcome home, Dr. Jackson," Jonas said. "It's good to have you back."

"Uh, thank you."

"Dr. Jackson," Hammond said gently and Jack could tell he was about to switch gears, turn the reunion into the de-briefing they had all been anticipating. "Are you feeling well enough to answer some questions?" At Daniel's nod, the General continued. "Why don't you start with how you came to be back at the SGC."

"I'm not sure how much there is to tell. I don't remember a lot. Uhm, there was some type of gathering of all the Ascended, a council of judgment I guess. I'd done something wrong - not followed the rules."

"Go on," Hammond encouraged when Daniel stopped.

"Apparently, I kept - " Daniel seemed to find his hands fascinating. He stared intently at them before continuing. " - coming back here? Interfering? Helping you?"

He finally looked up, glancing at the others as though seeking confirmation. Daniel's questioning tone confused Jack. The others around the table looked equally perplexed. Hammond broke the puzzled silence.

"Dr. Jackson, I'm not sure I understand. The Ascended accused you of interfering in human affairs - of interacting with members of the SGC? That's simply not true."

Not quite, George. Damn, Jack _really_ didn't want to go here, but for Daniel's sake it looked like he had to.

"Uh, actually, General, it is - true."

"Colonel?"

Ouch, how did Hammond do that? How did he raise his eyebrows in that sort of reasonable, please-tell-me-more way while shooting what-the- _hell_ -are-you-talking-about daggers from his eyes? Jack risked Hammond's wrath, holding up a hand to stall the General's interrogation, and focused on Daniel.

"Daniel, you're telling me you don't remember Ba'al's fortress? 'Jack you're a better man than that' and all of that? You don't remember that?"

Daniel stared blankly at Jack before shaking his head.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

_How_ could he not remember? Fraiser was still giving Jack sleeping pills to get past the nightmares. How could Daniel not remember saving his sanity?

"Colonel O'Neill - "

"DanielJackson, do you also have no memory of appearing to me and remaining at my side after the ambush on rebel jaffa?"

_Excuse me?_

This time Hammond didn't shoot daggers. He just looked completely dumbfounded. So did Carter, Jonas and Fraiser. For that matter, so did Jack. Jack looked at Daniel but he was just shaking his head in response to Teal'c's questions. Whatever happened between the two of them, Daniel didn't remember it. Teal'c offered no explanation.

The others all turned toward Hammond. The General favored Teal'c and Jack with a glare that promised they would be de-briefing quite a bit longer than the others and then turned to Daniel.

"It's all right, Dr. Jackson. Just continue with you what you do remember. We can try to fill in blanks later."

"Well, the council concluded that, well, I guess basically they decided my heart wasn't really in being Ascended. They decreed that I had to re-take my human form, and that I couldn't be allowed to retain memories of anything I'd done or learned while Ascended."

"But you seem to remember some things," Carter protested. "You remember _being_ Ascended, don't you? And you remember this Council gathering where they made the decision to send you back. You don't remember anything else? What about how you ascended in the first place?"

"I remember - " Daniel's eyes darted briefly to Jonas and then down at his own hands again. "I remember Kelowna and what came after."

Jack clenched his fists in a fit of irrational anger at Oma Desala and company. If they were going to take Daniel's memories why couldn't they have erased the memory of those last excruciating hours while they were at it?

"I remember asking Jack to let me go, and then Ascending. And I know I was gone a long time. But the next actual memory I have is the council passing its judgment and making me descend. Then I came through the gate with Oma Desala."

Jack got stuck on "asking Jack to let me go," but Carter picked up on something else Daniel said.

"They _made_ you descend? How exactly? I mean, when Orlin descended, he did it on his own. He didn't need the others."

"Uhm, I - "

Daniel broke off without finishing the sentence. Then he did something Jack had never once known him to do. He bailed. He turned to General Hammond and said, "General, do you mind if I don't answer that? I don't, it's just - " He didn't finish the sentence.

"I'm sorry, Daniel," Carter apologized softly before Hammond could answer.

"That's fine, Dr. Jackson. Why don't we move on."

Daniel sighed in frustration. "General, I'm sorry," he said. "I just don't remember anything else."

"Perhaps your memories have only been suppressed, DanielJackson. They may return in time."

"What about hypnosis?" Sam suggested.

"Even an MRI might tell us if they used some type of technology to - "

A babble of suggestions criss-crossed the table. Could the Nox help at all in a situation like this? What about a Tok'Ra memory device? Back to hypnosis. Even Jonas jumped in to ask what they knew about the technology behind Nem's memory searching machine. Jack was starting to get dizzy from swiveling his head back and forth when Daniel's clear voice broke through the clamor.

"They're gone," he insisted. "They won't come back."

His fierce assertion silenced the room. Teal'c simply nodded while Jonas shrugged indifferently. Fraiser ducked her head and began doodling intently and Carter bit her lower lip uncertainly. Jack looked at Hammond whose attention , and clearly his sympathy as well, was focused on Daniel.

"All right people," Hammond said a moment later. "That's enough on this issue. Dr. Fraiser, I'm sure you have numerous tests planned for Dr. Jackson. If one of them should happen to tell us something useful, fine. In the meantime if, as Dr. Jackson believes, the memories have been taken from him, no amount of prodding on our part is going to bring them back. Dr. Jackson, do you have anything else to tell us?"

"General, I have a question." Jonas had been silent so far except for his greeting to Daniel.

"Go ahead, Mr. Quinn."

"Dr. Jackson, it seems like these Ascended beings are playing by a double standard of sorts. They obviously expected you not to interfere in human matters and passed judgment on you for doing so. But your first encounter with Oma Desala was clearly an example of interference in human matters. Your own notes on the mission to Kheb - "

"M-my notes?"

"Yes, you reflected quite extensively on Oma Desala's intervention in protecting your wife's son."

Daniel stared at Jonas, eyes wide. His mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. No words came out. The color had leeched from his face. Finally he turned to Jack, a mute appeal for help clear in his eyes. This briefing was going from bad to worse. Daniel shouldn't have to be dealing with this. He should have been in the middle of a huge group hug, soaking up the attention of a massive "welcome home" celebration.

"Dr. Jackson, Mr. Quinn has studied most of your library during his brief time at the SGC. His knowledge of your work has been invaluable during your absence," Hammond tried to explain.

His words didn't appear to have the intended mollifying effect. Daniel ducked his head, looking down at hands he had pulled off the table and into his lap. Damn, he was withdrawing right there in front of them. Instead of soaking up the welcome home, he felt guilty for not being here to read and interpret his own notes for them. They were moving too fast for him. He hadn't had enough time to adjust to what was happening to him. And _dammit_ what was that fear Jack kept seeing creep into his expression?

Fraiser surreptitiously reached for Daniel's wrist. Daniel didn't even seem to notice.

"General, I think it might be best if we take a break," she suggested. "I do have a few more tests I'd like to run and I'm sure Daniel is tired and would like to rest."

"Very well, Doctor." Fraiser was standing and guiding Daniel to his feet even as the General spoke. "Major Carter, Mr. Quinn, you are dismissed. Colonel O'Neill, Teal'c, I'd like to see you both in my office."

Yes General, I'm sure you would.

****

It could have been worse. It could have been better too, but it definitely could have been a lot worse. Hammond was clearly displeased that members of his lead team had neglected to report their interactions with an ascended Daniel, but both Jack and Teal'c came through the extended de-briefing with nothing more punitive than a verbal dressing down. Hammond seemed to recognize that their failure to mention Daniel's appearances was closely tied to each man's innate reluctance to talk about their respective experiences at all. In much less time than Jack had expected, Hammond dropped the issue. Dismissing Teal'c, he turned the conversation with SG-1's team leader to an issue that had been niggling at the back of Jack's brain from the moment he'd realized Daniel was back for good \- Jonas Quinn.

****

By the time Jack made his way to the infirmary, Janet had completed her tests and released Daniel to rest in a VIP room. Jack acknowledged the airman outside the room with a nod and knocked on the door. Uncharacteristically, he waited until he heard Daniel reply before opening the door. Daniel was across the room, back to the door, fiddling with something Jack couldn't see. He didn't turn around. Jack quietly closed the door behind him.

"Daniel?"

"Hey Jack."

"Fraiser seemed pleased with stuff."

"Yeah, that's what she said. Told me to rest."

"So how come you're not?"

"I don't know. Trying to . . ." His voice trailed off then picked up again. "Trying to figure stuff out, I guess."

"Yeah, me too. Like, what's up with your memory? You really can't remember - "

"Jack!" Daniel whirled around to face him. "I don't remember anything!"

Oops. Apparently Daniel had been pushed on that topic one too many times.

"Daniel - "

"Fraiser stuck me with needles, took pictures of my brain, measured every chemical she could think of. How many times do I have to say it? I don't remember! Just leave it alone!"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I just don't get how they - "

"Jack, _please_ ," Daniel pleaded. "The memories are just gone, all right? I misbehaved and they took away my toys." Jack saw the fight drain out of Daniel, who sighed, scrubbed at his face and dropped down to sit on the bed. "Or something like that. I'm sorry. It's confusing. I know I've been gone; I can sense the passage of time. I just can't remember anything." His head dropped into his hands and Jack barely heard what he said next. "What's going to happen to me?

"Happen to you? Daniel, you're going to be fine. We'll think of something. I don't have a clue how to recover those memories, but I'm sure Carter and Fraiser - "

"That's not exactly what I meant."

Damn, damn, damn - that fear again, this time seeping into Daniel's voice.

"What _did_ you mean?"

Daniel raised bleak eyes to Jack.

"What happens now, Jack? No one has said I can stay . . ."

_// They don't know what to do with me, and I don't know what to do with myself //_

"Oh, Daniel," Jack whispered when he finally recognized it. Not fear. Abandonment. Daniel thought he was alone; he was lost. Jack crouched down to eye-level. "Daniel, we didn't realize we needed to say it. From the moment you stepped through the gate everyone from Hammond on down to the guy who cuts the cake in the commissary took it for granted that you were home - that you would stay."

"But I just walked away from my responsibilities. You're not mad at me for leaving?"

"Daniel," Jack reached for Daniel's hand, needing to touch him, "you were leaving us anyway. You carried out your responsibilities so damn well that you were leaving us anyway. Even Jacob wasn't sure he could save you." He said it as gently as he could. "Do I wish Kelowna had never happened? Every day. But am I mad at you for wanting to leave the pain behind, trying to find a new life when this one was over? Never, Daniel."

"Okay. But - " Daniel hesitated. Obviously, something else was weighing on him. Jack waited him out. "What about Jonas Quinn?"

Ah. Yes. What about the guy whose planet you sacrificed your life to save. What's he doing in the middle of all this?

"Daniel, Jonas's presence is kind of a long story. And probably somebody besides me ought to tell it, 'cause I wouldn't give the most balanced presentation. If he makes you uncomfortable we'll work something out."

Daniel stood up and pulled away from Jack.

"I don't know how he makes me feel. I just know he . . ." Again, Daniel left the sentence unfinished. This time the silence lengthened until Jack prompted Daniel.

"You just know he what, Daniel?"

"I just know he has my spot on the team."

That was _not_ the answer Jack had been expecting and he shook his head at his own stupidity. He'd seen Daniel blanch when Hammond introduced Jonas as SG-1's fourth, watched him imitate a ghost when he learned Jonas had made liberal use of his private research notes. This wasn't about accepting a man who had been willing to lay blame at his savior's feet. It was still about Daniel thinking he was alone, with no place to belong. Jack should have put these pieces together hours ago. He crossed the room to where Daniel stood, once more with his back to Jack. Jack gripped Daniel's shoulder and turned him around.

"No he doesn't, Daniel. Not anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean Hammond and I already discussed this. Jonas will be transferred to another team, to other responsibilities. Hammond's probably already told him."

"But Jack, that - why?"

"Because there's only room for four people on my team."

"But that's not fair. I just walked away. He's been working with you for a year. He knows what's going on. I don't know anything about what you've been up to. I don't even know anything about what _I've_ been up to."

Finally. For the first time since he followed Oma Desala through the gate Daniel was starting to sound like himself, putting up a fight, resisting the unfairness of the world even at cost to himself.

"Daniel, you worked with us for five years. Hell, they sent you home because you couldn't stop watching our backs. There's no way - absolutely no way \- that Jonas's skills could measure up to that. I'm not saying he didn't turn out to be an adequate fourth. But he's not you. And now that you're here, I want you. I'm not interested in fair. Not in this case. If I'm a cold-hearted bastard for kicking him off the team because you came home, well then I am. I can live with that." He held Daniel's eyes, waiting for a response. Finally, Daniel nodded.

"Okay, Jack. Thanks."

Daniel wasn't convinced, Jack could see that. But he would come around. Just needed a little more time.

"You're welcome. Now, follow Doc's instructions and get some rest."

****

Daniel knew Janet suspected it was some kind of sensory processing problem - his mind re-adjusting to having a body. She thought the incidents would lessen and then disappear in a few days and told him not to be concerned. Easy for her to say. She wasn't standing in the middle of a corridor on Level 18 overwhelmed by another nauseating dizzy spell. This one hit with a vengeance when klaxons began blaring and alert lights began pulsing red flashes of light across the walls. The hallway spun wildly and closing his eyes didn't help. Blindly reaching out for the wall, Daniel slid down it to the floor. The hallway seemed to tumble even in the dark.

"Sir, are you all right?" an unfamiliar voice shouted over the klaxons. Daniel didn't dare open his eyes to see who it was. "Sir, can you hear me?"

The voice grew louder as the speaker knelt down next to him. Stop shouting, and don't touch me. _Please, please_ don't touch me. A hand came to rest on his shoulder. Daniel jerked away from the burning sensation and nearly lost his lunch for his effort. Drawing in deep breaths he tried to control his queasy stomach.

"Take it easy, sir," the voice said. Again, the hand rested on his shoulder.

"Don't - touch - me," Daniel forced out.

"Sir?"

He couldn't say it again- the vibration of his own voice ringing in his ears made him ill. At least the alert klaxons and lights had stopped.

Now another voice spoke.

"Airman, you can move away."

Sam! Oh thank you, God.

"Major, he's - "

"It's all right, airman. I'll take it from here. Thank you."

The torturous hand lifted and Daniel nearly sobbed in relief. He sensed Sam crouching down next to him. She didn't touch him. He knew she wouldn't. She knew better. She had seen him go through this more than once in the last few days.

"I'm here, Daniel," she said quietly. Then she waited. Waited while he got his frantic breathing under control. Waited while the dizzy sensation bled away. Waited until he cautiously opened his eyes. She was smiling gently.

"Bad one?" Her voice never rose above a quiet murmur.

"You could say that."

"Ready to get up yet?"

"Yeah."

"Want a hand?"

"No, I don't think so." Slowly, Daniel pushed himself off the floor using the wall as support. Once he was upright he closed his eyes again and took a couple of deep breaths. When he opened his eyes the sensory dizziness had passed.

"Feel better?"

"Yeah, thanks. I'll be glad when this little side effect runs its course."

"I'll bet. So, where are you headed?" she asked as she followed him down the hall.

"Office," he answered, grateful for the easy change of subject.

"Really? Janet said you could work?"

"Janet said I could work. General Hammond handed me a new contract to sign. Jack dumped a stack of mission reports in my lap. Apparently it's time I start to catch up."

"Want some help?"

"Absolutely."

They arrived at Daniel's office as an airman was leaving loaded down with a large cardboard box.

"What's going on?"

"Teal'c's instructions, sir, Major." Trying to maintain his grip on the box, the airman gestured awkwardly back toward the office.

"Teal'c?" Daniel asked as he stepped into the office and found the jaffa just inside the door.

"Airman Kenner has just removed the final box of Jonas Quinn's belongings from your office DanielJackson."

"Oh."

"I will remain to assist you in re-organizing the office to your satisfaction."

"Oh that's okay, Teal'c. I'll just - "

Daniel glanced around the room and felt oddly displaced. The office was so familiar, but somehow not his. Slowly he turned a full circle, noticing the details of the room as he did. Familiar books lined the shelves, but in the wrong order. The top-of-the-line computer he had practically begged for sat atop the desk, but a strange screen saver scrolled across the monitor. His reference charts still hung haphazardly on the walls; they were dotted with yellow sticky notes in someone else's handwriting. Sha're's picture was missing.

"Daniel? What's wrong?" Sam asked.

Daniel smiled ruefully. "I think I expected my stuff to be packed away in boxes, not here being used by someone else."

"You have accumulated much information that continued to be of great value to the SGC even after your departure."

"Yes, Teal'c, I know. I understand." He did understand. What was the point of all he had learned in his life if he kept it to himself. "But still, these were my notes, my books. I guess I never thought about anyone else \- "

Violating them. Maybe that was a bit dramatic, but that's how he felt about it. He wondered if he would feel differently if the violator was someone other than Jonas Quinn. "I never thought about someone else making themselves at home with my things."

"Oh, Daniel. We're sorry."

"No, Sam, it's all right, really." Sort of. A little bit.

"DanielJackson, Jonas Quinn obtained much knowledge from your notes and journals, but he did not make them his home."

Daniel smiled at Teal'c's familiar odd phrasing, but then he realized that Teal'c had meant the words exactly as they were spoken.

"To do so would have required the passion and intuition which only you possess. They are part of your soul, something to which Jonas Quinn does not have access."

Daniel's eyes widened. He had gotten the distinct impression over the last few days that Teal'c and Quinn had forged a bond during the last year. At the very least they had found a commonality in being strangers to Earth. Daniel hadn't expected Teal'c to dismiss Quinn so easily.

"Daniel, Jonas learned fast," Sam added. "His ability to assimilate information came in very handy on more than one occasion. But he was never you. He used your stuff, but he was never you."

Daniel smiled a bit at his friends' words. They helped a little. The complete disorientation he first experienced upon coming back was long gone, but he still often felt off-balance, as though he couldn't quite find his place. He ran his fingers absently along the edge of the desk. It was so neat, not at all the way he usually left. Evidently Jonas Quinn included 'organizer par excellance' on his impressive resume. Daniel wondered what dark corner Quinn had been relegated to - because if Daniel knew Jack O'Neill it would be some tiny, dank office in the bowels of the SGC. His discomfort with the thought must have been visible on his face.

"O'Neill believes you are experiencing guilt as a result of his decision to assign Jonas Quinn elsewhere in the SGC and reinstate you on SG-1."

"I think he's doing it because he likes me better - sort of. That doesn't seem quite fair."

"Major Carter and I also prefer to have you back on SG-1."

"You do?" It wasn't that Daniel hadn't _hoped_ his friends wanted him around. He just hadn't expected them to say it, out loud like that.

"Of course, Daniel."

"We are a team."

Oh.

He offered them another small smile. Sam outright grinned. Commandeering his desk chair she reached for the computer mouse and with a few clicks sent Daniel's familiar Egyptian screen saver parading across the screen.

****

Jack was fidgeting. He'd heard most of what Fraiser was now reporting to Hammond about Daniel. So had Hammond for that matter. She had kept both of them well informed during the last three and a half weeks. But this was her _official_ report on whether she thought Daniel was ready to get back out there. Hammond gave Jack an irritated glance across his desk. Jack stilled and tried to concentrate on what Fraiser was saying.

"He's in perfect health, General. He has been since he returned. He has never appeared to have an residual physical effects from the pain of descending."

Wait, what? That was news to Jack.

"Excuse me, Doc?"

"Dr. Jackson spoke to me briefly several days ago about the actual experience of being forced to descend. He described it as very painful."

"Doctor, you haven't mentioned this before," Hammond noted.

So George hadn't known either; that was something at least.

"No, General. I'm sorry. The conversation was very brief. Daniel brought it up out of the blue during one of my daily exams. He told me that once the decision had been made, it happened very quickly with the others gathering themselves around him. It involved large amounts of energy, and Daniel said it was confusing, frightening and painful."

So much for higher planes of existence and superior Ascended beings. Daniel misbehaves and they employ a little Ass-ended corporal punishment? You're better off home with us, Danny.

"General, Dr. Jackson asked me not to say anything. There was no evidence of physical harm so until today's report I've done as he asked, on the condition that he discuss it with the counselor he's been checking in with regularly. Her report indicates that they did discuss it at length and she doesn't feel there is any significant cause for concern."

Except that they _hurt_ him, dammit.

Hammond nodded. "All right, Dr. Fraiser. Go on."

"The confusion he was obviously experiencing when he first arrived sorted itself out quickly, and the sensory problems seem to have disappeared. He hasn't reported an incident for," she checked her notes, "eight days. He's been off base for brief periods with Colonel O'Neill in an attempt to keep him from going stir-crazy."

"Dr. Jackson or Colonel O'Neill?" Hammond asked.

Hey!

Fraiser smiled. "Dr. Jackson, sir. I haven't yet discovered the solution for keeping the Colonel from going stir-crazy. In any event, Dr. Jackson handled the off-base experiences very well, and I'll admit that keeping him on base and under careful supervision this final week has simply been a precaution I felt compelled to take given our inexperience with what Daniel's been through."

"So?" Jack prompted.

"So, _General Hammond_ , I'm prepared to release Daniel Jackson for whatever duty you see fit to assign him."

"Yes!"

"Jack, please," Hammond chided wearily.

"Sorry, sir."

"Thank you, Dr. Fraiser. I'm sure you can count on Colonel O'Neill to deliver the good news. Colonel, I'll brief your team at sixteen hundred this afternoon on the P7X-319 mission we've been discussing. Make sure your entire team receives the word."

"Yes sir. Thank you, sir."

Hammond dismissed them both. Jack, with a grateful smile in Fraiser's direction, headed for Daniel's office. Finally he could give Daniel the news they had all been waiting for - SG-1 was going through the gate. Jack's step slowed as a niggling thought pushed its way to his consciousness. Did Daniel really want to go? Yeah, Daniel had been upset to find himself replaced, and relieved when Jack and Hammond reassigned Quinn. But there was that one other issue to consider. Daniel didn't _choose_ to come back; he was sent. He'd talked about having his "toys" taken away.

When Daniel had been dying, Oma Desala gave him a choice and he had chosen to leave. If the Ascended had given him a choice this time instead of choosing for him, would Daniel have come home? That doubt had been eating away at Jack for days. While Fraiser held Daniel back from active duty, Jack was able to push it aside for later. Now it was later.

Jack's musings had carried him several levels up the elevator and to Daniel's office. He stood in the door watching. Daniel continued reading and taking notes with no apparent recognition of Jack's presence. Jack nodded to himself. This was good. It felt right. He didn't want to mess it up. He didn't want to find out that Daniel really wished he had been allowed to stay with the Ascended.

"I'm still here Jack. I won't disappear if you blink." Daniel spoke without lifting his head from his work. So much for not realizing Jack was standing in his doorway.

"I want to ask you something." Now or never, O'Neill.

"What's that?"

"Are you sure you want to be here?"

Daniel looked up, his eyes widening with a sort of panic.

"Jack? Did I do something wrong? I told you I'd do whatever you expected to get up to speed. Did I miss someth - "

"Whoa, slow down. You haven't missed anything. I just talked to Hammond and Fraiser. We all agreed you're good to go. What I mean is, when you left it was because you felt like we didn't really want you - "

"That's not exactly what - "

" - like what you had to offer didn't fit the direction the SGC was taking anymore. You told me you could do so much more 'out there.' But now you're back - and don't get me wrong, _nobody_ is happier about that than me. I'm just wondering whether anything's changed, whether we've made clear enough how much we value what you bring to the table, how much we _want_ you with us. Daniel, I need to know you _want_ to be here."

Daniel laid down his pen. When he didn't answer immediately, Jack started to get nervous.

"You're worried because I didn't _choose_ to come back, because I was forced back."

Jack nodded. He watched Daniel's face slide through a series of thoughtful expressions, as he tried to formulate a response. Jack had the feeling Daniel had an entire journal's worth of words on the tip of his tongue, every one of which wanted to be the first out of his mouth. Finally he decided on the ones he wanted to use.

"Jack, there are only two things in my life that I have ever wanted as desperately as I want to be part of the SGC and SG-1 again. I wanted my parents back and I wanted to find Sha're. Now, I want to be part of this place again. I know this is deja vu - me begging to be on your team. This time it's not for Sha're. This time it's for me. I need to be here. I need to be with my team."

That was it. One paragraph from the journal, with all the rest of the words shoved back on the pages for another time.

"Is that enough?" Daniel asked, finally meeting Jack's gaze.

Jack grinned and clapped Daniel on the shoulder.

"That's plenty, Daniel. Briefing at 1600 this afternoon. We leave at 0830 in the morning."

****

A last minute consultation with Hammond kept Jack from meeting his team in the locker room the next morning. They were waiting for him when he sauntered into the gateroom at 0825.

"Morning, kids. Ready to go?"

He received three separate affirmations as he looked them over. His gaze lingered a bit longer on Daniel, but his friend seemed free of pre-mission jitters and had all his straps and buckles in order as though he'd never been away. Satisfied, Jack turned abruptly to his second in command.

"Did you bring it, Carter?"

"Yes, sir. Just waiting for your word."

At Jack's nod, Carter pulled a small package from her pack.

"Daniel, we got you something," Jack said.

Daniel had been staring up at the gate watching as the chevrons engaged. Now he turned toward his team with surprise.

"Wh-what?"

Sam held out the package.

"Sort of a welcome home present."

The package was simply wrapped in brown paper. Carter's clear script scrawled a welcome home message from the team across the front. Daniel turned it over, slid his fingers under the taped seam and tore the paper away. Beneath it lay a book bound in soft brown leather. Daniel smiled knowingly as he opened the cover to fan the pages - crisp, white, blank sheets.

"Guys - this is - "

He looked up at each of them, a smile gracing his face.

"Thought you needed a fresh start," Jack said.

Daniel nodded in acknowledgment.

"Thank you."

"There's more," Same said. "Teal'c?"

With a deferential nod, Teal'c held out his hand to reveal a palmful of Daniel's favorite writing pens. Daniel grinned.

"Thanks guys."

The final chevron locked and the gate whooshed open. Hammond's voice sounded clearly over the P.A. system.

"Colonel O'Neill, is your team ready?"

"Yes, sir, we are," Jack answered as Carter helped Daniel stow the journal in his pack.

"SG-1, you have a go."

With an irreverent salute in Hammond's direction, Jack O'Neill ushered his team up the ramp and through the Stargate.

  

**The End**

  


* * *

>   
>  © April, 2003 The characters mentioned in this story are the  
>  property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and  
>  all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together  
>  with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA  
>  Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret  
>  Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership.  
> 

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End file.
